You all heard it said that “we have two ears and one month, and therefore we should listen as twice as much as we speak.” Speaking indeed is a powerful skill, but listening is more valuable, and it is a skill that we all should master. Master the art of listening, and you will change your life.
Listening versus Hearing
The confusion is that many of us interpret hearing as listening, and this is far from the truth. The majority of us are birth with the ability to hear, but there are a few of us who possess the skill of listening. Listening is not a skill you are born with; it’s learned.
Merriam-Webster defines hearing as the process of perceiving sound. And the ability to hear a sound is not listening, listening, genuinely listening requires a concerted effort, one that requires focus, eye contact, nonverbal cues, and the ability to summarize what you have heard with him you are speaking. Professionals call this active listening.
Active Listening
When you actively listen, you are giving your attention, time, and focus on the one who is speaking. You are not engaging to talk but to learn. It’s a sad truth that many of us are more willing to devote our attention to television, social media, and our cellphones, rather than taking time dedicated to listening.
Three of the most significant contributors to poor listening skills are distractions, narcissism, and just plain ignorance. These are show stoppers to active listening.
Let’s face it; everyone’s favorite discussion topic is themselves. People enjoy talking about themselves, and the way we do this is through speech, but the true reflection of who you are is not only expressed in words but character; your words are nothing more than an expression of who you are as an individual. You can learn a lot about an individual by merely listening to them speak.
The art of active listening is a skill worthy of mastering. It carries excellent rewards benefits because active listening enables us to fully understand the true meaning of the words that are spoken and not just hearing what is said. The practice of active listening puts you in a state to receive what’s spoken, being tentative to every spoken word, and let it penetrate your heart and not just your head.
The Art of Listening
Dr. Michael P. Nichols states in his book; The Lost Art of Listening, “most failures of understanding are not due to self-absorption or bad faith, but to our own need to say something. ” He further states that “we tend to react to what is said, rather than concentrating on what the other person is trying to express.”
The truth of the matter is that many of us listen to respond, rather than listening to what is actually spoken. Listening is a difficult skill to master, and many of us who claim to be good listeners are not listening with the intent to understand. Instead, we are grasping for words to create a response.
In his book, seven habits of highly effective people, Stephen R Covey states that “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.” Listening to reply, not only disrespects those who are communicating, but it also nullifies the conversation because the content of the message will not be clearly understood.
Listening with the Heart
The act of hearing is nothing more than words and sounds that enter our ears into our heads, while listening flows to the heart, and a heart response is far more impactful than a head response. Sura Hart puts it this way “Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.”
Listening with the heart is a learned skill; it’s the ability to allow words to penetrate your heart to define their true meaning and intent. It will enable the one who is speaking to complete not only the content and purpose behind their words but also their thoughts before you respond.
Speaking creates the flame, but it sincerely listening to brings warmth. It is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, and others over self. Words that enter the head, only flicker for a moment, and then they are gone, but words that pierce the heart, create an experience that can change a life.
A great exercise to develop a heart that listens is to practice focus listening; for example, go outside or to a park, and try listening to birds despite all the surrounding noise or try listening to the leaves swaying in the wind, and reflect on what that means to you. The objective is to focus on the content by avoiding distractions.
Listening and Success
To speak is a powerful tool, but listening is far more valuable because it is through listening that we achieve success. Because excellent listening skills enable good decisions, strengthens relationships, and increases knowledge more effectively.
Wars have been fought, fortunes lost, and friendships wrecked for lack of listening. It was Calvin Coolidge who said, “No man ever listened himself out of a job.” It is through listening that we connect, understand, empathize, and develop. It is the foundation of a successful relationship, to include personal and professional.
Do you want to build your relationship? Whether it’s personal or professional, then learn to listen. Because when you talk, you are only reciting what you already know, but if you listen, you can learn something new. I remind myself often that nothing I say today will teach me anything.
You ever notice that those with good listening skills appear more intellectual and intelligent; they have good relationships and make good decisions. They carry a likable personality that attracts rather than repel.
Leadership and Listening
Listening skill is a required trait of a leader. Good leaders have excellent listening skills, and leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.
I’m privileged to be a coach and mentor to several business owners and leaders. And I always recommend that they actively engage with each employee, by not only speaking with them (not to them) but also actively listening to them.
There are at least four things a leader should actively do when engaging employees. They spell out the word lead. Leaders are to Listen, Empower, provide Active feedback, and Development (LEAD), and though I can go into each of these in some detail, it is listening that will give you the greatest results.
Listening and integrity are the most valuable and respected qualities of a leader. Listening demonstrates respect and is a strong indication that you value people, their ideas, and opinions. I believe that integrity is the DNA of a person’s character; a flaw in integrity is a flaw in character.
Listening is the Gift that Keeps on Giving
Listening is a gift of spiritual significance that you can learn to give to others. When you listen, you give one a sense of importance, hope, and love that he or she may not receive any other way. Through listening, we nurture and validate the feelings one has, especially when he or she experiences difficulties in life.” ~ H. Norman Wright
The essence of a good listener is empathy, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and entering into the experience of the other person. It reflects a genuine interest in the speaker and the meaning behind their words. Someone once said that “listening is one of the loudest forms of kindness.”
Summary
To truly listen is no easy task because it asks of us to look within ourselves and see that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. Active listening is the ability to listen with your heart as well as your head. It is the ability to deny your inner desire to make your presence known; it freely receives, welcomes, and accepts.
I will also add that listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is giving your full attention by actively listening to others and welcoming them into our presence through non-verbal invitation. In doing so, people will start feeling accepted and appreciated. They will start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves.
Inspired by: Sharon Botson
Source:
Henri J.M. Nouwen, Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith
Dr. Michael P. Nichols, PHD, The Lost Art of Listening
Stephen R Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People